You are a mother. And we celebrate the love for you have for your child.

Tia Lukehart, mom blogger shares her story…

I remember all too well the first few weeks after Brody died. I was on mission with not a goal insight. I just sat at my computer all day and all evening, searching for…something. I searched and searched but my mind was too foggy and my heart was too broken to know exactly what I was searching for. Sometimes, it involved wine and it always involved tears. I didn’t know who I was anymore; I didn’t know what I was anymore. I was just lost.

My son, Brody Michael Lukehart was born at 30 weeks and 1 day gestation. On August 21, 2011, I had a class three placental abruption and almost lost my life as well. He was 2lbs 12 ounces, 15 inches long, and the most beautiful angel I had ever seen in my life. He came into the world at 7:09 pm. I held him for the first and last time.

A little over eight months later and I know now. I know what I was searching for. I was searching for someone just like me. I was making sure that I wasn’t the only one. I know who I am and I know what I am. I am Brody’s mom and I am a baby loss mommy.  The fog has cleared and although my heart often feel like it is still broken, there is one thing I can say that has helped it heal, if only a little. That one thing is Brody’s Frog Blog.

I came across so many blogs of other baby loss mom’s and suddenly, in a world where I didn’t fit in anymore….I fit. I wasn’t expecting, I couldn’t share my joys of becoming a new mom, I could no longer discuss my never ending desire to eat everything in sight and all my wonderful aches and pains of pregnancy. The only thing I wanted to talk about was my dead baby, and who wanted to hear about that?

I had always had a passion for writing as long as I can remember. I wrote during the happiest and during the darkest times in my life. Although now, those dark times, seem like tiny little mole hills .

I started the Frog Blog with the intent to not let Brody’s memory die right along with him, but it ended up being so much more. What if I could be the shoulder someone else needs? I found out fast that I wasn’t alone in my suffering. One in Four woman will experience a miscarriage, still birth, or infant loss. What if I could be their ear, their shoulder, their voice?

When I get an email telling me how much my words have helped others through their own loss, I can’t describe the feeling. My heart heals more each time and I know Brody is looking down, smiling.

In some ways I feel like the Frog Blog is a stepping stone for me. I want to do everything I can to break the silence about baby loss. Every day, I wake up and ask myself “what can I do today for Brody and all of the other angel babies?. How can I honor them? How can I remember them?”

I miss Brody. I miss him all day, every day. I would give anything to have him back. I know it’s impossible. I vowed to be the best mom that I could be and now that things are different, now that I can’t feed, burp, dress, change, bathe, sing to, kiss, snuggle etc. etc….I vow to never let his memory die and to always speak his name. The Frog Blog has allowed me to be the best mommy I can be.

Here is the link to The Frog Blog: http://brodysfrogblog.blogspot.com/

Out to Lunch

A few weeks ago I had an interesting experience when I took a lunch break from work and decided to go out instead of going home to eat lunch.  Little did I know that I would get more than I bargained for when I stepped into the restaurant.  I was standing in line getting ready to place my order to take home when I heard through the rest of the noise in the restaurant, “Noah, come sit over here”.  Hearing those five words caused me to turn my head and take notice of the situation.

When I looked to my left there was a lady about my age with two children.  A little girl and a little boy, which I assume was Noah.  I would guess he was about 5 years old.  He was trying to eat his chips and salsa while his mom was guiding him to her side of the table by placing her hand on his head.  He was a cute little blond kid and his little sister was just as cute.  I couldn’t help to think about my Katie and Noah and what they would be like today.  What would they have been like?  I’ll never really know for certain, only in my imagination.

I realized I was smiling towards these little kids and I then realized the mom was looking at me.  It then dawned on me that she was probably wondering why is this guy smiling at my kids.  If I was her, I would have been thinking it.  But the reality was I was thinking about my children while watching hers and she could not have known or understood that I am a grieving dad and that I was just missing my two beautiful babies.

I paid for my food and I left for home.  It was one of those moments that just came and went, unlike the early days when this type of situation would stay with me for days.  I wasn’t even thinking about it when I left.  However, later that night I was sitting with my wife listening to music and enjoying a glass of wine.  We were talking about our day and the conversation turned to my experience earlier while I was at lunch.  When I was telling my wife about what happened, it triggered an emotional response I didn’t expect.  My wife smiled at me and I said, “It’s hard” and she said “I know, it is hard.”

The point of this story is these types of experiences will come up and they will trigger certain emotions or thoughts.  Even when you’re several years out from the death of a child, you are still vulnerable.  It came and it passed a lot quicker than it did before, but it is hard.

Kelly Farley

www.GrievingDads.com

Author of Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back (April 2012 Release)

Melanie Tioleco-Cheng’s Story…

I was eighteen weeks pregnant with Macy when we found out that she had trisomy 18.  As a pediatrician, I knew immediately what it meant–that she was likely not to live for very long, or perhaps born still.  In the subsequent weeks, we found out that she had several other major medical problems and realized that, in fact, we were fighting against all odds to meet her.  In the end, we decided that comfort care would be the most loving thing we could decide to do for Macy, and we feel lucky that we were able to spend two hours with her after she was born.

I wrote Special Delivery one night when I couldn’t sleep and was trying to figure out how to explain what was going on with Macy to my then two-year old older daughter, Kat.  There were so many unknowns so it was hard to decide what to tell her, but one thing we did want her to know was that Macy was special and that she was loved.  Kat has always been very intuitive and verbal and she knew that something was going on.  We didn’t want her to be afraid of my pregnancy or Macy’s upcoming birth, but we did want her to know that it was likely that Macy would not live for very long.

We hope that Special Delivery will be a good springboard for families to talk about their own baby and for their other children to ask questions.  The illustrations and words are also made to raise awareness between the different things that can happen after a baby is born, especially if that baby spends some time in the NICU or passes away.

Starting in June 2012, families can contact us through our website to request a book: www.specialdeliverybook.org

We’ve heard so many good things about OC Walk to Remember and wanted to be able to join up with another grass roots type of organization that was started by fellow mothers.  I think OC Walk has raised a lot of awareness in our community and we wanted to be able to start locally with adding to that awareness.  We are able to donate these books to OC Walk to Remember and other organizations through a grant from Sappi Paper International.

Thank you so much, Melanie Tioleco-Cheng, author of Special Delivery  for donating 1000 books for hospitals, therapists, and support groups. In addition, she has donated another 1500 books to The OC Walk to Remember.  At the walk, Saturday, October 6, 2012 Melanie and her sister, Melissa will have a table set up and you will be able to pick up your own personal copy of Special Delivery! (These will be distributed on a first come, first served basis.)  What a wonderful addition to this year’s event! Thank you so much!

Tell Us: What is your favorite book that comforts your heart?

The Auxiliary of Mission Hospital Laguna Beach is hosting a Butterfly Celebration in support of hospice and palliative care services for terminally patients. During the ceremony, guests will release a monarch butterfly in honor of their loved ones.

Our dedicated care team includes specially trained chaplains, nurses, counselors, social workers and volunteers who work together to provide comfort and support to patients and their families through the difficult stages of illness. with compassion and dignity, this team is committed to meeting each patient’s physical, psychological and spiritual needs, helping them enjoy every minute they have with family and friends.

You are invited to a unique Butterfly Celebration in honor of those we love!

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Butterfly release ceremony begins at 3 p.m. followed by refreshments

Mission Hospital Laguna Beach

31872 Coast Highway

Laguna Beach

APRIL 19, 2012 – OC Walk to Remember, a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping parents who have lost a baby in pregnancy and infancy, today announced The Honest Company as a sponsor. The Honest Company, co-founded by Golden Globe-nominated actress Jessica Alba, provides safe, natural, non-toxic, eco-friendly family products.

OC Walk to Remember hopes the sponsorship by The Honest Company will create more awareness and support for pregnancy and infant loss. One in four pregnancies ends with the death of a baby. Millions of babies die each year due to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS and other medical issues that make them incompatible with life.

“As a mother, my heart breaks for parents who have lost a child,” says Jessica Alba, Co-Founder of The Honest Company. “One of our core goals at The Honest Company is to support families and sponsoring the OC Walk to Remember is just one small way we can help.”

“It’s often impossible to know why these fatalities happen,” says Christopher Gavigan, Co-Founder of The Honest Company. “But, we do know that populations exposed to certain toxic chemicals experience higher rates of loss. The Honest Company is committed to reducing these exposures.”

The funds raised by OC Walk to Remember make it possible for nearly twenty hospitals and support groups to give parents the help needed after the death of a baby.

“We are grateful for the support of The Honest Company” said Kristyn von Rotz, Cofounder and Executive Director of OC Walk to Remember. “Losing a baby is devastating and something parents should not go through alone. Sponsorships like these allow us to continue our mission of helping grieving families.” Von Rotz, an Orange resident, started the organization after her son Joseph died at birth in 2004.

The 8th Annual OC Walk to Remember Memorial Service, 5K Walk and Celebration of Angels will take place October 6, 2012 at The District at Tustin Legacy. Last year nearly 2,000 participants came in support of pregnancy and infant loss. The Honest Company will provide samples of their products at this year’s event.

For more information about OC Walk to Remember: www.ocwalktoremember.org

For more information about The Honest Company: www.honest.com

We appreciate Kelly’s work in the loss community and are looking forward to sharing his regular posts with you.  We are also looking forward to the April release of his book: Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back.

Find a Purpose

I am a grieving dad that has lost two babies on two separate occasions.  My approach to these losses varied greatly and produced two very different results.  After the death of my daughter Katie, I tried to be the pillar of strength for everyone around me.  I was trying to fight the pain so I wouldn’t think about what happened.  I tried to put the pain into a deep dark corner of my mind hoping to never see it again.  I did everything to avoid this pain for as long as I could.

It turned out that “as long as I could” was about 18 months.  It was the first time in my life I experienced episodes of anxiety and depression.   I now know this was a result of not dealing with my pain and emotions brought on by the death of my daughter.  Shortly after the episodes of anxiety and depression started, the unspeakable happened again, I lost my son Noah.  I was sent into tailspin and found myself deep in the darkness of grief.  I finally gave in to my pain and decided to take a few months off from work to try to put my life back together and to truly allow myself to embrace the grieving process.  I stopped fighting to become the person I use to be and learned to accept that I will never be the same person again.  The pain caused by the death of a child never leaves you, but the sharpness of the pain can dull over time.

During the dark days of my pain, I knew that if I survived the despair I was feeling, I was going to do something to honor Katie and Noah.  I didn’t know what it was going to be, but clinging to that thought helped me through those dark moments.  When the fog of grief started to lift, it became clearer to me that I wanted to help other grieving dads through this very difficult experience.  To let them know they are not alone and to let them know that what they are thinking and feeling is a normal response to a not so normal situation.

I have spent that last two years blogging and speaking with men about the death of a child.  One of the things I learned from these grieving dads is that there is a common theme between the dads that are doing “ok” and the dads that are still very stuck in the grief.  The men that are doing “ok” have found a purpose, a cause, to honor their child.  Some have created care packages to give to local hospitals for parents that have lost a baby.  I interviewed one dad whose son loved to play hockey, so every year he organizes a fundraiser to purchase hockey jerseys for a team of less fortunate kids.  Another dad provides food to needy families at the Holidays.

Living to honor our child’s life can take on many forms.  The way we can honor our children is very unique and personal to the individual.  Becoming involved and participating in important events like the OC Walk to Remember is an excellent way to honor your child.  I remember the first couple of years when my wife and I walked in our local Walk to Remember.  These experiences allowed us to spend time with other families that were coping with the death of a child and to honor Katie and Noah.  I encourage each of you to participate in the October 6, 2012 event.  If you have the strength, I also encourage you to volunteer your time to help organize and plan for this walk.

I encourage anyone that has lost a child to find that one thing that honors your child and brings you hope.  It’s a way to carry on your child’s memory while helping you out of the depths of despair.

Kelly Farley

www.GrievingDads.com

Author of Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back (April 2012 Release)

A few pictures from the event…

We are grateful to Corner Bakery Cafe for sponsoring the delicious and nutritious luncheon.  We are looking forward to the next time we can gather and share resources with our amazing Orange County care givers and educators!