Holidays – especially for newly bereaved parents – are not what they used to be. In years past you may have busied yourself with shopping, baking and other forms of merriment. But after the loss of your baby, what others experience as the joy of the holidays can seem like a cruel nightmare to you. The festivities are proof that everyone else is “going on with their lives” as if nothing has happened. But something has happened – your baby has died.

It is important to remember that the first holiday after the death of your baby is almost always the most intense and difficult. You are probably still experiencing a form of numbness. But as you actively work through your grief, the sharp intensity lessens slightly, and you are slowly able to allow more joyful moments in.

The following are some ideas that other parents have found useful in getting through the holidays:

-Prioritize what is most important. You probably have a limited amount of energy right now. That energy should be saved for only the most precious of tasks (like time with your spouse or other children). It is not only OK to say “No”, it is crucial to your wellbeing.

-Lower your expectations. Do only the things that bring you comfort – attending only small gatherings, not decorating your house, making this year a “no-present” year. This is the time to do things that feel “selfish” in order to take care of you. Remember – this is a period of time in your life like none other. You will not always need to pull back on things you regularly do, but this year you might.

-Set limits and create “escape plans”. It is OK to turn down invitations to festive events. But you may want to spend some time – even if it is limited – with loved ones. If you go to a party, agree that you can leave after a very short period of time – and try not to feel guilty when you do leave early.

-What you do this holiday is what you do this year. Next year will be different. You will feel different, and your needs will be different. It’s OK to make your own rules, and then change them.

-Ask for and ACCEPT help and support. If you must shop, can others help? Can you shop online?

-Set aside time every day to actively grieve. Take out mementos of your baby, music that is meaningful to you – and allow yourself to FEEL. Cry, scream, write, draw. And then, at the end of your time, put your baby’s things away and re-engage in your life. Just show up as much as you are able. Do it again tomorrow.

-Allow your faith and your faith community to comfort you. Many bereaved parents experience periods where they feel angry with God. It is OK to feel angry with God, but still participate in the parts of your faith that give you solace. Is there a Women’s Group or a Men’s Group that has been helpful in the past? Do you enjoy the hymns normally sung at Christmas services? It’s OK to enjoy those aspects and still feel angry and confused.

Please remember that you are not alone. You will get through this.

By Laura Navarro Pickens, LCSW. Laura is a psychotherapist in Newport Beach who specializes in perinatal and infant loss. She is a consultant for the Kendall Lauren Honig Perinatal Loss Program at Hoag Hospital, where she facilitates a weekly support group for bereaved parents. She also provides psychotherapy for individuals and couples who have experienced the loss of a child or other reproductive trauma. You can contact her at www.TherapistLaura.com or at (562) 882-7901.
Soon our 2011 fundraising campaign will come to a close, and I would like to reach out to you and let you know how critical donations are to the OC Walk to Remember. Not only do the donations benefit local hospitals and support groups, but they also help our organization support parents who have lost a baby in pregnancy and infancy. And most importantly, the donations help us put on the annual OC Walk to Remember 5K Walk and Memorial Service.

A Season Of Giving
To make a donation to the OC Walk to Remember this holiday season, click here. Your donation will directly help impact families grieving the loss of a baby or babies.

The OC Walk to Remember is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization founded in 2004 that supports parents who have lost a baby in pregnancy or infancy. The mission of the OC Walk to Remember is to raise money for local organizations that support parents who have experienced miscarriage, pregnancy loss, or infant loss of any kind, as well as be a resource center for parents, doctors, nurses, hospitals, support groups, and anyone in need of support or information.



I wish you a peaceful holiday season. My thoughts are with each and every one of you. If you are in need of support, please visit our website or contact us at info@ocwalktoremember.org.

Sincerely,

Kristyn von Rotz

Cofounder and Executive Director

800-714-9320

www.ocwalktoremember.org