Much like an infomercial for the latest must-have miracle diet pills, I have had a very distinct Before and After metamorphosis. The change in my appearance isn’t drastic (unless you count the extra pounds and addition of stretch marks), but I’ve transformed into a brand new person. I can hardly recognize the woman naively smiling in my Before picture.
When looking back on my life I cut the timeline into two major halves, Before Aiden and After Aiden. The Before version of myself is young, carefree, and wet behind the ears; and After Angie is empathetic, mature, and wise beyond her young age of 28. My heart has changed; it’s been split wide open and has felt both the purest of joys and deepest despair. I’ve forced myself to do an honest inventory of the broken relationships from my life which ended on trivial grounds and mended friendships lost due to petty differences. I’ve re-evaluated my priorities and let go of selfish grudges. In the past 18 months I’ve learned more about myself than I ever could have had Aiden not died, I’m forever grateful for the strength and courage he has given me.
Losing Aiden has also given me a chance to see the people in my life for who they truly are. I’ve been disappointed more times than I’d wish to count, but even more, I’ve been pleasantly surprised. I was, and still am, greatly supported by my closest family and friends. They are the ones I can speak to candidly when I’m feeling sad or angry while having an “Aiden moment,” and also have helped my husband and me remember and celebrate Aiden on holidays and his first birthday. They allow me to speak his name freely without shame. I love them because they love him.
And then there are the people on the opposite side of the spectrum. I’m not sure which hurts worse, when someone you’ve always admired claims Aiden never existed or an old friend who completely disappeared after Aiden died and has yet to come out of hiding. Being shown an honest look at people you thought you knew so well can either break your heart or heal it.
After Angie is a better person because he lived, and will never quite feel complete because he died.
:::
Join the Conversation
Have you changed after your loss(es)? If so, how? How have your friends and family reacted to your loss(es)? Were you surprised by their reactions?
About the author
Angie Bailey lives in Huntington Beach, CA with her husband Kevin and 3 month old son, “Little Kevie.” Their first son, Aiden Kenneth, was born still on August 13, 2010, 37 weeks into her picture perfect pregnancy. No cause of death was ever found. She writes about life and parenting after loss at Expectations Revised.













